My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
