i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
