Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
