He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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