remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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