guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
