at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i love accidental penises.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
