I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
