You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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