ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
