Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
