whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
