so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize