doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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