Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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