I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
