He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
