i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
50% drunk capacity currently
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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