apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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