I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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