So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
