I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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