I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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