oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
