It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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