So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
