If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
