Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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