a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
