the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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