I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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