You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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