my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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