Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with two different species that night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize