grandma shit on top of the toilet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
