There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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