i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
