drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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