No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
