i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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