hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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