he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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