my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
