Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
