I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
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Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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