Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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