Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
