Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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