Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
