The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
