I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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