you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals