Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.