I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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