I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
