did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i think my cat just said my name.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
