People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
