If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wish my penis had a tongue
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
